An open letter to my son in heaven!
BJ, I’m writing this letter to you, because I never got the chance to talk to you in person. Its been 3 years now, since you’ve been gone. Time has definitely flown by. I miss you, I really do miss you, sometimes all I can think about is how life can be so unfair. I still don’t know why you had to go, I understand somewhat, why you didn’t make it, but that’s only the medical side of it. Intellectually, spiritually, mentally, I don’t get it.
On Sunday, while driving to church, all I could think about was you. I shed a few tears, reflected, cried, and teared up again. Behind those tears is the pain of you not being here. It’s the pain of not knowing what you look like at 3 years old. It’s the pain of disappointment. It’s the pain of not teaching you how to go potty, or get dressed, or brush your teeth. It’s the pain of never being able to see you smile. It’s the pain of never seeing you crawl or walk. It’s the pain of never throwing the football with you. It’s the pain of anticipating a great gift, but then feeling like I was robbed of the gift. Its the pain of feeling and wondering if I didn’t something wrong to make this happen. It’s the pain, of pain, I don’t have the words to articulate. Again, it’s the pain of you not being here.
Since you left us, it’s been hard on your mother and I. While each day gets better, we still grieve your loss. We’re smiling again, but we miss you still. We’re laughing again, but we still think of you. We’re getting on with life, but apart of us is missing, because you’re not here. Honestly, some days are better than others.
I’m sure you already know, but we have a son now, your little brother, named Maxwell, who is our heart and joy. He’s a fighter and extremely resilient. I bet he looks how you would’ve looked at his age. We know that you and your little sister Brielle, are looking down on him, to cheer him on from Heaven. When he’s of age, we’ll tell him about you. Not only him, but the world! We will continue to tell your story and help other families with similar stories! We will make sure you’re never forgotten!
PS…I’m going to blow out a candle in your honor, I’m sure you like cake, just like your daddy!